Thursday, October 06, 2005

A charmed life

This past Friday’s New York "Jewish Week” contained an article by blogger Esther K. Kustanowitz, (of My Urban Kvetch), “Homing In On Change.”

“The Upper West Side is more than just a neighborhood. It is a social system that is supposed to work like this: you move there, become a member of the tribe of Jewish singles, date for a few years, find the right person, then get married. But for those of us who have spent years living within it — and remain, inexplicably, single — it often feels like the system is breaking down. For me, the change was a tectonic shift: monumental, but barely visible to the naked eye. One day, there it was: my gaggle of single gals had all but disintegrated, I had no one to walk home from shul with, and my married, parenting peers were canceling nights out for time at home. But I was still me, chasing my spiritual and social shadow on West End Avenue, like Peter Pan reincarnated as single Jewish female. . . ., a solitary single against a series of teams. I was barely in the black; they had extensive financial portfolios. . . .. I was writing and creating; but they were procreating. Needing a change, I did something I never do: I took a vacation. But even there, in the very act of my self-assertion, I found myself an odd-numbered wheel, rolling in the wake of other people’s romance as we strolled a near-empty beach at sunset: two by two, by one. . . .

. . . there’s been an emotional and spiritual disconnect, a crack in the foundation of the city that I would otherwise consider my home. The rupture represents unfulfilled hopes and my disenchantment with a community that even after a decade, has failed to nurture my soul. I felt connected, once. But whether that connection has been severed, frayed or just removed for repairs, it doesn’t matter—it’s gone. . . .

Single friends around the world — some of whom have never even heard of the Upper West Side — tell similar stories of feeling spiritual and social disconnect, albeit in different cities.”

In a recent e-mail to a sister blogger, I wrote, “what's particularly difficult for me to accept, as a woman who was single until the age of 28 and had her only child at 34, is that, in traditional Judaism, there seems to be a reduced role for a married woman who doesn't have children, and no role whatsoever for a woman who never marries.’

Even when I was in my late thirties, when people would ask me if I “knew anyone,” I never had any names to offer. By then, the guys worth marrying were long “taken.”

It gets worse, folks. Having barely caught up from two weeks in Israel (and a trip to return our son to college), and having written maybe a dozen posts about my trip, then a few more, I’ve just begun to catch up on my blog reading. This afternoon, I was saddened to read that one of my sister bloggers has now been separated for several weeks.

What can I say to either blogger that wouldn’t be trite? I have no help to offer.

I must live a charmed life. I’m fortunate to have a husband who’s still bonkers about me, even though I haven’t always made his life easy. I’m fortunate to have a son who outgrew his disabilities enough to become a college physics major.

I have no words, and I cannot help you. I’m sorry.


Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said...

You appreciate what you have and aren't smug about it. You acknowledge that there's a shortage, and that the problem isn't our being too picky. That makes you more considerate than most, and we single people are (or should be) grateful for people like you...

Sun Oct 16, 05:11:00 PM 2005  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

My understanding, for years, has been that there are more women than men, at least in the US. Why can't the Jewish community understand simple demographic statistics? Or are we so convinced that the problems that plague the general populace have no effect on us? How can there *not* be Jewish women who can't find husbands when there aren't enough Jewish men to begin with?

Sun Oct 16, 11:39:00 PM 2005  
Blogger SIMON PATCHIN said...

I was married for 16 years to a loving mother and wife. We had 2 children together who are now 11 & 13. I reconnected with an old girlfriend from college on Facebook and we began an affair and I left my wife. The woman I had an affair with is a wonderful woman and I love her too and our kids had begun accepting the situation and my wife has kind of moved on, but not in love with the man she is seeing. I thought I fell out of love with my wife and I felt terrible about what I did to her - she is a good woman and I don't know what came over me. I decided to try and get her back and I was recommended to Lord Zakuza for help to get reunited with my wife and within 48 hours after I made contact with Lord Zakuza my wife decided to work things out with me and now we are back together with our children living as one happy family. I really don't know the words to use in appreciation of what Lord Zakuza did for me but I will say thank you sir for reuniting I and my family back. For those in trying times with their marriages or relationship can browse through his website via: or WhatsApp Lord Zakuza for help or text with this number +1 740 573 9483 or you can send him an email to

Fri May 07, 04:08:00 AM 2021  

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